By Jody Fuller
I have lived, and I learned. I’ve learned that you don’t quit one job before you have another. I’ve learned that it’s okay to talk to professionals when you’re going through hard times. I’ve learned that you don’t leave a dead beaver floating in an ice chest for two weeks in the middle of an Alabama summer. These lessons are all documented.
I’ve also learned you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, spit into the wind, pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger, and you don’t mess around with Jim, but I’ll be completely honest with you about something. I’m not too worried about Jim. Jim was my neighbor in Shreveport. He was weird.
I will, however, tell you who you don’t mess around with and that is crazy cat ladies. I learned this first hand this past week, and I had no intentions of messing around with them in the first place. I blame it on Facebook.
Facebook is the devil and has a new feature that allows the user to “react” to a friend’s post by clicking on an icon featuring an emotion. If you haven’t seen it, then it’s difficult to explain. It’d be about like explaining how to use a slide ruler to a kid, “new math,” to an old person, or common core math to me, so I just won’t—just trust me on this one.
I’ve often written about the love I have for my animals in my articles and post about them daily online. They are a huge part of my life. Without thinking, I decided for Abby, my cat, to be a part of my six second video of me reacting, literally, to Facebook’s new feature. The first three seconds of the video had me sitting in my recliner with Abby while I pretended to watch a friend’s video on my phone. The next three seconds I jumped up and down screaming. I was “reacting” to the faux video. Somewhere in the middle, Abby bolted from lap.
I posted it on Facebook. What happened next will impact my life forever.
It was as if a cat distress signal activated all the crazy cat ladies of the world uniting them as one. They all converged on my Facebook page, bombarding my video with comment after comment wondering how I could scare that poor defenseless cat in such a manner. Within minutes, they were organizing a “Cats Lives Matter” protest out in front of my house. They were throwing Molotov cattails at my home. It was a horrific scene. We had to call in the National Guard.
Perhaps Facebook has a cat distress feature that I’m unaware of.
So, I’m exaggerating just a bit. There were only three of them, but they were three of the first four comments. On top of that, they are three of the sweetest, most supportive ladies I have ever known, but now I know something else. Don’t ever cross a cat lady. Lesson learned. I took the video down after that fourth comment.
Abby is treated like a queen and lives better than 98% of the world’s population. I don’t know how many lives she used up before she landed with me, but she won’t need to use any more of them until it’s time to go to the land of giant catnip in the sky.
I can’t judge the crazy cat ladies, because I may be a fanatical feline fella one day myself, that is, if I’m not one already. In fact, my friend Angela, already calls me “cat boy.”
Jody Fuller is from Opelika. He is a comic, speaker, writer and soldier with three tours of duty in Iraq. He is also a lifetime stutterer. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. For more information, please visit www.jodyfuller.com.