A couple of years ago when I started remitting articles for publication in the local newspapers, my wife and daughters were adamant that the articles be reviewed by a family member before submission to the news editors. Well, that kinda killed composing a reality column as I am required to be politically correct, courteous and respectful to all parties that I address in the articles. If not for the word police the articles would probably be a lot more interesting, to say the least.
With this in mind, I have finally got around to addressing my New Year’s resolutions. I have made the following pledges reference the contents of articles submitted to the news media:
1. The bandana tied around my neck to wipe my runny nose is not to be referred to as a snot rag. As the local Dimwit Fitts says, it is better than using your shirt sleeve. He is an expert in nasal drip washing as that is his business.
2. Attractive young ladies are not to be referred to as chicks, dolls or skirts.
3. People who eat pickled pig feet, mountain oysters, eyeballs and chitterlings (hog intestines) are not to be referred to as tasteless red necks.
4. Friends who dine on quince and pomegranate are not be called snobs or Nancy Pelosi followers.
5. Small horses that bray, I can no longer say in print, but the first 4 letters are jack.
6. I am not permitted to refer to those who refuse to honor the stars and stripes as a small braying horse previously described. However, I refuse to watch the NFL where these guys show disrespect for OLD GLORY.
7. Seniors citizens will no longer be referred to as used up, wore out, has beens or bodies in decay. However as I am one of the crowd, I should be allowed to tell it as it is. At this stage in life, the first thing that I look at in the local paper is the Obituary to see if I am in it.
8. The local newspapers are not to be referred to as shelf paper or the local National Enquirer. Now there are exceptions. The Huffington Post is, in my opinion, toilet paper.
9. People who deliberately throw waste out of their car windows rather than retaining the items and placing in a trash can or not to be called sty residents. A more descriptive word would be that they are SLOBS.
10. I promise not to disclose the names of the individuals that I am acquainted with who wear speedos. Someone told me that Monroe Smith hangs around the pool at Quail Run in a bathing suit that resembles a speedo. I do not know the facts and if it is true, I am just glad I did not see the occurrence.
11. Finally, I promise to stay off of James Walter Allen’s case. That is until the next time I see him and he starts braying about his laundry soap (Tide) as he is the one whose name the family will not allow me to put in print.
12. I will no longer take offense when LaFayette Postmaster Joe Ashley refers to me as a box holder rather than a more courteous title such as Mr. Frazer. He says that the reason he puts all of the bills in my box is because that is my name, bill. Oh well – some people?
After making all these New Year Resolutions, I am beginning to have second thoughts. Barak Obama said that everybody can keep their medical insurance (period) and Trump said that more people attended his inauguration that any other president. Both lied. If the Presidents can lie, a low level citizen like myself should be able to get away with it. Such as, I can assure you that all of my pictures are made on site locally and are not fake even though I get them off of the internet.
I can tell you one thing! In jest I refer to my family as the word police, but after having them all home for Christmas, I can say that I would hate to know that I had to live without them. Having already lost one of the grandsons, it makes you realize how precious one’s family is to one’s walk in life.