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Humor – Being Petty

By Bill Frazer

On my daily drive to and from LaFayette, invariably a car will come from a side road onto Highway 50 and slow my speed to 10 miles mph. Most of the time the driver could wait a second or so until I pass by as usually there is not enough traffic to delay his entrance to the highway. It is especially irritating if he drives less than 45 mph as there is no way to pass him on the two-laned road.

As I have become a “crusty old man”, what difference does it make to be delayed a few minutes due to the lack of courtesy by another driver? I mulled over it realized that I am being just PETTY.

I know of a lot of pettys: petticoat, petty cash, Petty Officer and the race car driver Richard Petty. But you know I haven’t heard of petticoat in years. It’s yet another item from my generation that has been long forgotten.

In thinking further about being PETTY, I realize that I am inexplicably critical about events or items that have seemingly no negative effect upon others. Here is a list of my PETTY criticisms of our society:

The younger generation styles are beyond me. It is common to see women wearing shirts or blouses with the shoulder cut out of the garment (the stylists call them bare shoulders and also known as cold shoulers). How dumb is that? The idea of clothing is to clothe you and keep you warm as well as cover parts that Eve caused the Lord to ban from view. OK Mr. PETTY, what business is of yours as to what anyone wears?

While on the subject of clothing, another PETTY issue comes to mind. I believe the current fashion age group that wear these so-called “hole pants” have lost their mind. What is attractive about going around with fake patches on your britches? In my age anybody that wore pants with patches had to because they had no money to purchase a new pair. And side note, probably the worst PETTY issue involves the wearing of trousers hung below one’s buttocks.

In places where there is a lot of traffic, such as Walmart, there are parking places closer to the store that are restricted to the handicapped. Regularly I notice that the shoppers are parked in the reserved

places jump out of the car running into the store like a teenager. But my family says that I shouldn’t judge people by how agile they are as they may have a bad heart or emergency that they have to attend to. Well, I ain’t believing it. I submit that some people are using these spots because they are just plain lazy. It seems that no one checks of the status of the parking violators. But like I say I am being PETTY about someone else’s code of conduct.

I enjoy going to parties or events where they play the trivia game. It is common in today’s society. My PETTY issue is that there always some “smart aleck” that knows what are the ships Columbus sailed on and what port they came from and all the details of their landing. The question was to name the ships Columbus sailed on and not to show off by spouting all the details of the port of departure and other encyclopedia data (or google facts). Dummies do not enjoy being exposed in public.

Relating to Trivia Quizzes, I heard from an informant that there is a lot cheating (googling) going on down at Coaches Restaurant on Monday nights. I will have to ask the trivia brainers Steve Wheeler and Judge Perryman about all of this.

I guess the most PETTY issue that I have is telemarketing. My land phone rang the other night at 1:45 AM. The voice told me that my order was ready to ship and they needed to verify my mailing address. Half asleep, I tried to confirm what was the item that I ordered. Instead of an answer, the machine told me to press 9 for any other information relative to the shipment. I took care of that by pressing the red button to end the call. I don’t understand why anyone would get confused enough to approve the order. I guarantee you that they expect you to prepay shipping charges and if you do, the scam artist has succeeded as there is no transfer except your money.

I realize that I need to get off of the PETTY issue and get back to what matters. Example, I went out to LaFayette True Value Hardwood to buy some screws (not to get screwed) and I noticed that Cooter Allen was scratching his head. Now I don’t know if Cooter was mulling over a lumber order that he fouled up or was nit picking. My mistake – nit picking and PETTY are basically the same thing.