Home Columns Humor by Bill Frazer: Way Down Yonder in the Cotton Patch

Humor by Bill Frazer: Way Down Yonder in the Cotton Patch

Cooter Allen On Job Site Using Skill Saw-How Dumb Can You Be?
Wrong Box Ashley Filling Up His Mercedes-How Stupid Can One Be?
Test For Freshman At The Cess Pool In Tuscaloosa-Isn’t That Their Old Mascot?

The old rural crowd are just not into the latest and greatest personal technologies such as iPhones or androids as well as social media like twitter or Instagram. Just think about it–my phone number is floating in cyberspace and available to the world if they punch in the right numbers.

You can have all your fancy electronic devices but somehow I don’t think they will do you much good in understanding the phrases and logic of someone raised in a cotton patch. My goal is to query all my friends to show that our generation is intellectually superior to the nerd generation.

I checked in with Cooter Allen out at LaFayette True Value who is a building pro. So I asked him, “What kind of room has no floors, ceiling or walls?” He said that it is an open tent. However, every person knows that it is a “mushroom.”

I inquired of Quail Run Monroe Smith, “Why did Mickey Mouse go into space?” He told me that he wanted to build another theme park. Nope—Mickey was “looking for his dog Pluto.”

Next, of course, I had to drag Fat Cat Vaughan into my survey asking him, “Where does Dumbo keep his clothes?” Fat Cat’s response was that an elephant has no clothes (unless you want to be like Fat Cat’s favorite mascot who wears a crimson jersey but nothing down low). But all Auburn fans know that the correct answer is “in his trunk.”

Then, I asked Dimwit Fitts why his coffee tasted like dirt. He told me that I didn’t have a palate for the finer things in life. I told him that it was because he had freshly “ground” it that morning.

Since I was failing to get sensible answers from my friends up to now, I thought that I would ask Milltown Wheeler who was raised in the environment conducive to the survey. “What animal sleeps with his shoes on?” He replied that it was an EMT who must respond at once to an emergency call. Uh oh! Milltown Wheeler would have failed this if it had been one of his trivia questions. Of course the correct answer is “a horse.” Upon hearing that, Mr. Wheeler felt compelled to tell me that I could be found at the other end of the horse. He is smart alright, a SMART ALEC.

Finally, in desperation, I asked Dr. David Hall, the smartest friend I have who taught textiles at Auburn for years, “Why did the students wear sunglasses in class?” Dr. Hall said that most of them were looking out the window rather than listening to him. Sadly, that was the wrong response. The head weaver in the cotton mill told me that when he was in textile class at Auburn that he wore sunglasses because “the teacher was so bright (David).”

I finally gave up on my friends. So I decided to see if my readers could do better. Here are a few more questions for you–What do you call a cow who gives no milk? What do you get from a pampered cow? And why do cows wear cowbells? Answers—a milk dud, spoiled milk, because their horns don’t work. Hmmm—I better come up with a better quiz if I want to outsmart the nerd generation.