Home Columns Humor: New Years Resolutions

Humor: New Years Resolutions

New Year Celebration By Monroe And Leslie Smith.
Wrong Box Ashley Tasteless Joke.
Cooter Allen New Year Dinner Preparation.

I may be nearly 91 years old but being a grumpy old man, I have plenty of New Year’s Resolutions. Most of them are what others need to be doing, starting with Congress and Hollywood. But times have changed, so the following list is my attempt to keep up.

To abide by Acosta’s-Cortez new environmental regulations, I will dump my paint cans in Mayor Tramell roll out can rather than contaminate mine.

I will refer to all young women as ladies rather than chicks. That is unless they are they are part of the deplorable Hollywood crowd..

I will take a bath at night to avoid leaving sweat on my new Mike Lendell pillow and sheets.

I promise, for now, not to wear my AU shirt out to LaFayette True Value Hardware. This will last for New Year’s Day only. I seem to remember seeing a picture of Cooter in the hedges at Jordan Hare Stadium just a couple of weeks ago.

I will no longer try to interfere with the fact that Monroe Smith is in cahoots with Shifty Schiff and Balder Nadel. Gary Vaughn handles that for me.

I promise not to call my four sons-in-law as SORRY sons-in-law. That is until the gift season is over, as I have hinted to them that I need a new Yukon, a new ZTR mower and an elevator installed in my 2 story house.

I will no longer throw “fits” about Dimwit Fitts at Norman Cleaners about charging me the same price for washing my socks as he does for my wife’s coat..

I promise that I will no longer refer to people who eat raw oysters as bottom feeders. The correct word for these people is tasteless.

For us puritans, pickled pig feet is worse. How do you know if you haven’t tried? I did try it one time but I will never do it again.

In order to abide with Acosta’-Cortez climate change instructions, I will no longer pollute the atmosphere by burning the forests in my fireplace. Instead I will simply turn on the gas, which takes a million years to reproduce.

I will quit referring to Bobby Jennings as a “penny pincher.” The correct term should be a “manager of wealth.”

For a period of time, I will not molest the LaFayette Post Master Wrong Box Ashley which will allow him time to concentrate on getting my mail and others’ into the right boxes.

I don’t give myself much of a chance of succeeding in carrying out these resolutions. Just look at Congress; their promises made are never kept. But I am hoping that this resolution sticks—Have A Happy New Year!