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Humor – Safety Considerations For The New Year

Humor – Safety Considerations For The New Year

By Bill Frazer

If you have survived the Christmas season without injury, you need to consider safety considerations for the new year. Why do you think safety is an issue at Christmas? Well there is always a lazy husband unwilling to get the ladder and instead stands on a kitchen chair trying to place the angel on top of the tree. The homemade sweets are always so tasty that the dieter, the lactose intolerant, gluten sensitive, and paleo adherent eat their fill, magically thinking that because it is Christmas, there will be no payback in a few hours. After being homebound for a few days and watching the latest news, instead of being filled with peace and good will, the viewer watches the good Sheppard prepping to attack Nancy and Chuck. The brats come over and toss the football in the front yard and the old man pulls his hamstring trying to chase down a long pass. Also, emaciation takes place in the body as the old man sits on a hard bench at Walmart, waiting for the Boss to read the inscriptions on a thousand Christmas cards before she makes her purchase.

So for my New Year Resolutions, I suggest the following steps for a safe year in 2018—
If you are choking on an ice cube, simply swig a cup of boiling hot coffee.

Avoid arguments with the Boss over leaving the toilet seat up by using the bush by the door.
Avoid cutting yourself with a knife by using the kid’s paper scissors.

To guarantee safety, one only needs two tools to make repairs in the new year. If it will not move, use WD 40. If it moves and is not supposed to, use duct tape.

If you can’t fix the appliance with a hammer, be careful as you have an electrical problem.

To your keep your finances private, do not talk on the cell phone to your loan officer while sitting in a crowded waiting room.

If you have a bad cough and are embarrassed by coughing in the presence of health nuts, take a laxative before attending. That is a cure as you can’t take the risk of coughing and losing bowel control.

To keep yourself from going back to sleep after the alarm goes off, set a mouse trap on top of the clock. (Now if you could only put a mouse trap on top of your cell phone while you are driving. Hmmm, you would think that Apple could come up with an app for that.)

Psalm 139 says that all our days are ordained by God and written in His book. I completely believe that we can’t add or subtract from this truth. But that doesn’t mean you get to act foolishly, of which the book of Proverbs so clearly outlines the consequences. But what I really want to do as the end of the year draws nigh is to count my blessing and thank my Creator for the life that He has bestowed. I wish you Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!