Home Columns Humor WANT A JOB



Anyone who lives in the
bustling business communities
in our country
knows that every newspaper
has ads for businesses
seeking employees. Admittedly,
most of the available
jobs are low level pay
We who receive the benefi
ts of low hourly wage
earners do not seem to
appreciate the services that
they provide. There has
got to be several hundred
low hourly pay workers in
the fast food industry in
our neighborhood. These
businesses could not
survive without those who
willingly to work at the
current pay scale.
It is factual that immigrants
are needed to fi ll
some of these job slots.
I am talking about legal
immigrants although
businesses such as meat
packers and poultry
packing plants could not
survive without employing
laborers of questionable
In view of the available
job opportunities, I have
decided to join the labor
force. I am agreeable to
perform the following
jobs for ½ of the current
minimum wage.
• Working for Norman
Cleaners looking for
buttons torn off by the
washing and drying
machines. While on
the job, I would be
available to check the
pockets of the items
to be cleaned for
loose money or other
valuables to stuff in my
• There has been a lot
of controversy reference
the water dumped
into the river from the
West Point Sewage
Treatment Plant. The
City of Lanett sucks
in this water from the
Hooch and it goes into
their treatment plant. I
could be a water safety
technician and take
the treated West Point
water and replace it
in Lanett’s City Hall
commercial drinking
fountain. Then I would
observe the offi cials
and workers for their
digestive health. I
will not divulge what
measures may need to
be taken.
• A good part time job
for me would be a
monitor at Milltown
Wheeler’s Monday
night trivia quiz. I
could supply some
question of value
rather than the silly
questions he uses. For
example– How many
spokes in a wagon
wheel? What percentage
of cow fl atulence
is planet destroying
carbon? How many
years does a man own
a gun until it is forever
banned? (Of course,
the correct answer is
blowing in the wind.)
Also, I could spy on
those googling the
• Another job under
consideration is being
a security guard for
“Fat Cat” Vaughn’s
Bear Bryant Museum.
It has all the amenities
to be used as a
guest house so I could
just pack my bag and
come over. But then
I realized how would
I eat when everything
in the museum makes
me want to throw up?
And the parking lot is
a ¼ mile away and one
risks falling into the
pool when patrolling
at night. But I would
have a convenient excuse
of “sleepwalking”
when it is discovered
the next day that
orange and blue paint
had somehow spilled
over all the questionable
When all of these job
prospects were presented
to my wife via the family
“mole” who resides in
the Swamp located in
Washington D.C., my wife
quickly informed that me
that I already have a job
and I am not working. She
says: the lawn needs mowing,
the shrubbery needs
pruning, the car needs
washing, the pine straw
needs to raked up and the
list goes on and on.
One would think after 6
years of using a keyboard,
I would learn to keep my
mouth shut