By Jody Fuller
Have you ever read a story about a horse, a donkey, a pregnant lady, a three-legged dog, and a guy named Bubba? Well, if you answered “no” to that question, you’ll be able to nod your head in affirmation the next time someone asks you this often-asked question.
Lucy, Emily, and I were driving to Mimi’s house in Dadeville and took the scenic route through the country. It felt like the country, yet we were just 10 minutes from a Dollar General in either direction.
You’ve heard me say it before, but I’ll say it again. When all is said and done, there will be three things left in this world: cockroaches, Dollar Generals, and Alexander Shunnarah signs.
We were driving along talking about who knows what. I’m sure it was something I was doing wrong. You know, ever since she’s been pregnant, I can do no right. I guess that’s just how it goes. I probably ate the last of something. She can eat the first nine servings of ice cream out of a 10-serving tub, but if I attempt to eat that tenth serving, it gets ugly—real quick. Apparently, there’s a rule for men during their partner’s pregnancy, and that rule is “don’t eat the last…of anything.”
Fortunately, I was saved by a horse. Lucy has loved horses all her life. I’m pretty sure newborn Lucy left the hospital on a horse in June of ‘81. She even keeps a horse bridal and lead rope in the trunk of her car, because you just never know.
The beautiful bay horse was grazing just off the side of the road. We feared for its safety, as well as the safety of others. We know what kind of damage can be done to a car when it hits a deer. It could be fatal with a horse. We pulled into the driveway directly across from where the horse was standing. When we got out of the car, we noticed a little donkey running to catch up with the horse.
Lucy briskly walked to the front door. These brisk walks are usually reserved for ice cream. The homeowner opened the door and four little white dogs came pouring out, not to mention a much larger three-legged beauty. I think it was a she, and she was party Husky. Emily attempted to corral the dogs while Lucy explained what was going on.
We introduced ourselves to our new friends Steve and Carol. They were really good people. He was an Army veteran, too. Hooah! They’d seen me speak before and are frequent readers of my column. While we chatted, Lucy went to fetch the horse emergency gear from her trunk. Emily was still rounding up little white dogs.
We all walked out into the driveway, but Lucy and I crossed the road. By this time, the horse and donkey were in the backyard of the house on top of the hill—way across the road. We were mouth-breathers. Remember, Lucy is six months pregnant, and I’m just out of shape. We knocked on the front door to let them know who we were and what we were doing running around their yard. It turned out to be the home of a guy I know named Bubba. I’ve known him for a while but didn’t know he lived there.
The horse and donkey had made their way into the wood line but Lucy the horse whisperer lured them out by whispering sweet nothings from afar. The horse walked right up to her. Lucy then gently stroked the horse’s neck as she prepared to affix the bridal to the wayward horse, but when the four-legged beauty saw the bridal, she took off like Lucy looking for ice cream. The donkey followed.
Fortunately, Steve and Carol had crossed the road and were waiting by the driveway. Emily had her arms around the three-legged dog. Bubba walked down with us. The horse and donkey went home. We have new friends, we finally made it to Mimi’s for dinner, and everyone lived happily ever after. That is, until Lucy reads this article. Pray for me. I’m going to go eat ice cream.
Jody Fuller is from Opelika. He is a comic, speaker, writer and soldier with three tours of duty in Iraq. He is also a lifetime stutterer. He can be reached at email@example.com. For more information, please visit www.jodyfuller.com