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Senior Con Artists

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By Bill Frazer

At what age does a person become a senior citizen? I am trying to figure that out. Is it when you reach 55? Or is it 65? Or is it when you retire at any age? When you go on social security? When you have to have dentures?

In my traveling around I often see signs that read “discounts to senior citizens”. I have reached the age that I comb my hair with a wash rag and I wear the same clothes 6 days a week until my wife throws a boogie woogie. Seemingly all merchants automatically give me the Senior Citizen discount. That is except Dimwit down at Normans Cleaners which is why I wear clothes that look that they have been used to clean up the drainage ditch.

Last year I was transportation for my daughter’s family to the International Airport in Atlanta. Since there were 6 of us and luggage in the SUV, there was no room for the Boss to supervise the journey. The departure from the Airport was 10:30 pm so it was rather late when we left the Airport to return to West Point. Since I go to bed with the chickens and get up when the rooster crows, it was past my bed time when I reached an exit north of Newman. I decided to stop and get me a cup of coffee to keep my eyes open. The first place I saw upon exiting was SODA CRACKERS BAR & GRILL (due to potential litigation issue the real name of the joint is not revealed) so I pulled in. I walked in and saw the sign “please wait and a hostess will be with you”. After standing there 5 minutes and eaves dropping while the Hostess confirmed what time her date would pick up, she wiggled over to greet me. In my defense, I could not help but notice her attire. It was a very racy black chiffon cocktail dress that descended to a point on her ankles and wearing earrings of equal length and spiked heels. In a professional manner she asked if I was there to eat and I told her no, I was there to just to get a cup of coffee. The fact that I was wasting her time for someone who just wanted a cup of coffee seemed to be offensive to her. It was obvious that I was alone, but she asked me how many was in my party. I told her that I had a tour busload of grammar school students waiting in the lobby which kinda destroyed the welcome mat. That was it – she told me that I could have a seat over at the bar. Since the joint almost was empty at that late hour, I ignored her and went over and sat down at a table.

As I sat the table and read the menu, I changed my mind about just ordering coffee. I noticed that the menu for over 55 senior citizens was a special of 3 pieces of chicken, french fries, tossed salad, rolls and drink for $4.49, although the regular price was $6.49. Vicki came over to take my order. I told her that I wanted the senior citizen special and she didn’t even have to write it down as she knew that I looked like a cheap skate and would order the cheap item to prevent paying a large tip. She was good as she smiled like a goddess and told me she would be right back with my order.

When she brought me the bill to take to the cash register I noted that the total was $6.49 rather than the special price of $4.49. I asked her why the bill was for the regular price rather than the special. The lovely young creature told me that I would have to be over 55 for the special and looking at me she knew that I did not qualify. Ha! She gave me a smile and told me that she hoped that I would drop by again. I had already left a dollar tip on the table which was a generous 20% of the meal cost. As the cashier swiped my credit card, she asked me if I wanted to add a tip to the meal amount. I could not resist telling her to add $5.00 to the bill for the con artist waitress.

When I got home and walked into the house, my Boss was watching TV while waiting for me to return home. She asked me if I had supper. I told her that I just had a meal priced at the cost of steak and lobster. Of course she wanted to know where I ate. Wisely, I did not disclose the details of the cost of eating at the SODA CRACKER BAR AND GRILL.

So you senior citizens better watch out. There are on artists out there who are as slick as lard on a glass table top. At this stage in life, a ego booster can fool you momentarily so that you think that you are Rock Hudson. If you know who Rock Hudson is, you are among the vulnerable crowd. However, when you look in the mirror every morning and see the wrinkles, the ego trip is spent.